Share the gift of feedback this Valentine's Day
This Valentine’s Day, give your loved ones the gift of a lifetime: positive feedback that really matters.
So much training and writing on feedback focuses on how to soften the blow of negative feedback. Sure, negative feedback is really valuable for growth, self-awareness, and higher performance. But when it comes to relationships, most people underestimate the impact and importance of high-quality positive feedback.
Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s research has shown that a ratio of roughly 3 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction is essential for healthy relationships. And yet, so often we glaze over the positives - either taking them for granted or succumbing to our brain’s negativity bias, where we focus more on problems that need to be addressed rather than what is working well.
Often, when people do provide positive feedback it’s what feedback researcher Brodie Riordan refers to as “empty calorie” feedback: shallow praise that lacks substance and specificity, such as, “You’re awesome!” Not only does this lack any meaningful message, it also violates the cardinal rule of effective feedback: always focus on the behavior, never on the person.
We dare you to make a point of sharing high-quality, specific, behavioral positive feedback with your loved ones this Valentine’s day. Here’s a blueprint to help you out:
Step 1: Grab a piece of paper (or your phone or laptop). Sit down. Make a list of 10 things your loved one does, has done, or about them that you really appreciate or that impresses you. Alternatively, you can practice “noticing” and intentionally observe your loved one for a day or two, looking for specific behaviors you want to note.
Step 2: Use the Center for Creative Leadership’s “Situation-Behavior-Impact” model to get specific about what exactly they do or did, in what situation, and why it matters. Feel free to add an overarching heading and support it with examples. For instance, if you want to praise and appreciate their cooking, you can start with a general statement and back it up with specifics.
Step 3: Choose your moment and method to share. Perhaps you want to share your feedback in writing? Or in person? Or both? Include one or two substantive examples for maximum impact.
Here’s how this might sound:
“Jorge, I really appreciate your cooking, and I don’t tell you often enough. When you take the time to make these lovely dinners for us several nights a week, it gives me something to look forward to and I really enjoy the time we spend together in the kitchen. You also do such a great job balancing flavors and coming up with creative and delicious new recipes. It keeps me guessing about what we might have next, and that gives me surprisingly lots of joy and energy during long workdays!”
“Josie, several times I have noticed how well you listen. I have observed this in your interactions with other people. You really seem to give people your full attention when they are speaking. When I speak to you, I notice your eye contact stays with me. You always put your phone down, screen down, which sends a signal to me that you are really with me. When you listen to me like that I feel seen, heard, and acknowledged. I don’t think I have ever told you this, but I think about it a lot, and it really makes me feel good afterward.”
Finally, if you are paying someone a compliment, make sure you are complimenting THEM and not some other things. For example, in her book Feedback Fundamentals and Evidence-Based Best Practices, Brodie Riordan points out that people often say things like, “That dress looks really good on you.” You just missed an opportunity to make the person feel good by complimenting the dress, not the person. Instead, try “You look great in that dress.” Even better - get more specific: “Your blue eyes stand out in that blue dress and you look very professional wearing it.”
Flowers die, an expensive dinner will be over in 90 minutes, but truly meaningful words to your partner will leave a lasting impact.